Why am I always anxious? It’s a question I’ve asked myself so many times. Anxiety feels like a shadow that never leaves my side, a constant companion that follows me everywhere I go. It’s there when I wake up, a tightness in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. It’s there when I try to sleep, racing thoughts that won’t let me rest. And it’s there in the quiet moments, whispering fears into my ear, making me doubt myself, making me afraid of things that haven’t even happened yet.

I don’t remember when it started, this feeling of being on edge, of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It feels like it’s been with me forever, like a part of who I am. Sometimes it’s a dull hum in the background, a low-level unease that I can almost ignore. But other times, it’s all-consuming, a wave of panic that crashes over me, leaving me gasping for air, my heart racing, my mind spinning out of control.

I try to make sense of it, to understand why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because of the pressure I put on myself, the endless striving to be perfect, to never make a mistake, to always be in control. I’m constantly worrying about what might go wrong, about how others perceive me, about all the ways I could fail. I’m afraid of disappointing people, of not living up to expectations—my own and others’. This fear of failure, of not being enough, feeds my anxiety, making it grow until it feels like it’s swallowing me whole.

There’s also the fear of the unknown, of the things I can’t control. The world is unpredictable, full of uncertainty, and that terrifies me. I’m scared of what might happen, of the “what ifs” that loom large in my mind. What if something goes wrong? What if I make a mistake? What if I’m not good enough? These questions swirl around in my head, creating a storm of anxiety that never seems to let up.

But it’s not just about fear. It’s also about feeling overwhelmed, like I’m constantly juggling a hundred different things, always on the verge of dropping the ball. Life feels like a never-ending series of tasks, deadlines, and expectations, and I’m just trying to keep up. I’m tired, but I can’t slow down. I’m stressed, but I can’t relax. I’m always in a state of high alert, always bracing for the worst, and it’s exhausting.

I know that some of my anxiety comes from past experiences, from moments when I felt unsafe or out of control. Those memories linger, shaping how I see the world, making me hyper-vigilant, always on guard. I’ve learned to expect the worst, to prepare for disaster, because that’s what kept me safe in the past. But now, it’s holding me back, keeping me trapped in a cycle of fear and worry.

I’ve tried to manage my anxiety in so many ways. I’ve tried deep breathing, meditation, exercise. I’ve tried talking it out, writing it down, distracting myself. Sometimes, these things help, but other times, nothing seems to work. The anxiety is just too strong, too deep-rooted, and I feel helpless against it. I feel like I’m drowning in it, like it’s pulling me under, and I don’t know how to get out.

But I’m starting to realize that maybe the answer isn’t about trying to get rid of my anxiety, but about learning to live with it. Maybe it’s about understanding that my anxiety is a part of me, but it doesn’t define me. It’s a response to a world that often feels overwhelming and unpredictable, a way of coping with the fear and uncertainty that’s part of being human.

I’m learning that it’s okay to be anxious, that it doesn’t make me weak or broken. It just means I feel things deeply, that I care about what happens, that I’m trying my best to navigate a world that can be scary and confusing. I’m learning to be kinder to myself, to give myself permission to feel what I feel, without judgment or shame.

I’m also learning that I don’t have to face my anxiety alone. I can reach out to others, to talk about what I’m going through, to ask for help when I need it. I can let people in, let them see the real me, anxiety and all. I can build a support system, a community of people who understand, who can hold me up when I feel like I’m falling apart.

Why am I always anxious? Because I’m human, because I’m alive, because I’m doing my best to make sense of a world that often doesn’t make sense. But I’m also learning that I have the strength to face my anxiety, to live with it, to find moments of peace and joy amidst the fear. I’m learning that I’m more than my anxiety, that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought possible.

And in that realization, I’m finding hope. Hope that I can learn to live with my anxiety, to accept it as part of who I am, without letting it control me. Hope that I can find balance, that I can take care of myself, that I can be kind to myself, even on the days when the anxiety feels overwhelming. Hope that I can keep moving forward, one step at a time, towards a life that feels meaningful and fulfilling, anxiety and all.

-With love, H.