« Why do I disgust myself? » is a question that echoes in the quiet corners of my mind, surfacing in moments of vulnerability and self-reflection. It’s a harsh, raw feeling, one that’s difficult to admit, even to myself. It’s the sense of being deeply, fundamentally flawed, of carrying a shame so profound that it feels like an intrinsic part of who I am.

This feeling didn’t appear overnight. It’s the result of years of internalized negativity, harsh self-criticism, and a relentless pursuit of an unattainable ideal. It’s the voice inside my head that picks apart every mistake, every imperfection, every perceived failure. It’s the mirror reflecting not just my face, but every insecurity, every doubt, every harsh judgment I’ve ever made about myself.

Growing up, I always felt different, out of place. I struggled with my appearance, my abilities, my worth. I was constantly comparing myself to others, and I always fell short. I internalized the harsh words of others and amplified them with my own self-criticism. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw only flaws. Every mistake I made felt like a confirmation of my deepest fears: that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t worthy of love or respect.

Society didn’t make it any easier. We’re bombarded with images of perfection, with messages that tell us we need to look a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain way to be valued. I tried to conform to these standards, but no matter what I did, it was never enough. The more I tried to fit in, the more I lost myself, and the more disgusted I became with the person I saw in the mirror.

But over time, I’ve come to realize that this self-disgust isn’t a reflection of who I truly am. It’s a manifestation of the unrealistic expectations and harsh judgments I’ve placed on myself. It’s the result of years of negative self-talk, of believing that I had to be perfect to be worthy. And while it’s not easy to change these deeply ingrained beliefs, I’ve started to take steps towards healing and self-acceptance.

The first step is recognizing that self-disgust is not an inherent part of who I am; it’s a learned behavior. It’s something that can be unlearned with time, patience, and self-compassion. I’ve started to challenge the negative thoughts that flood my mind, questioning their validity and replacing them with kinder, more supportive ones. It’s not about ignoring my flaws or mistakes, but about accepting them as part of my human experience.

I’ve also begun to focus on the things that I appreciate about myself, however small they might seem. It’s about shifting my perspective from what I lack to what I have, from my weaknesses to my strengths. This doesn’t happen overnight, and there are still days when the negative thoughts creep back in. But each small step towards self-acceptance is a victory, a testament to my resilience.

Another important part of this journey is surrounding myself with people who lift me up, who see my worth even when I can’t. Their love and support remind me that I am more than my self-criticisms, that I am deserving of kindness and respect. Their perspective helps me see myself through gentler eyes, and their belief in me bolsters my own.

It’s also crucial to remember that everyone has moments of self-doubt and insecurity. We all have aspects of ourselves that we struggle to accept. But these feelings don’t define us. They are part of the human experience, part of the journey towards self-discovery and growth. By acknowledging these feelings, we can begin to address them, to heal, and to move forward.

To anyone else who struggles with self-disgust, know that you are not alone. Your feelings are valid, but they do not define you. You are worthy of love, respect, and kindness—especially from yourself. It’s a journey, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time. Celebrate the small victories, be gentle with yourself, and remember that you are a work in progress.

 »Why do I disgust myself? » Because I’ve been holding myself to impossible standards and believing that I am unworthy. But I’m learning to change that narrative. I’m learning to see myself not through the lens of my flaws, but through the lens of my strengths and my humanity. It’s a difficult journey, but it’s one worth taking. Because in the end, the most important relationship we have is the one we have with ourselves. And that’s a relationship worth nurturing.

Yours truly,

H ❤